Double Dragon is a movie based on a game, and as we all know, movies based on games are known for their pure awesomeness. The Double Dragon movie was released in 1994, wheres the original game was released in 1987. If being released seven years after the original game isn't a recipe for awesomeness, I have no idea what is. Anyway, let's kick this pig!
We start the movie off somewhere in China with subtitles that literally tell us "Somewhere in China". This deeply descriptive location is a village, where a couple of ninjas are attacking monks. One of the ninjas is using a whip, because whips are stereotypical ninja weapons as we all know. This ninja is deadly, merciless, and... a somewhat hot blond chick? Alright, this movie's looking pretty good so far. She ends up in some temple and takes a medallion.
We then cut to the post-apocalyptic New Angeles in the year 2007. I'm sure we all remember the great disaster in 2004 where Los Angeles was destroyed by a series of tornadoes...wait, that was "The Day After Tomorrow", never mind. OK, so they picked a random year that turned out to be very inaccurate. So what? Star Trek said there would be some war in the 1990's with genetically engineered super soldiers, so they were wrong too.
We see a bad guy played by Robert Patrick (T-1000 from Terminator 2). In this movie he's Koga Shuko, and he looks like Vanilla Ice for some reason. He's given the medallion from earlier, but he's upset that it's only half of the Double Dragon medallion. He then squeezes the medallion and somehow goes flat. My question at this moment is, why does he want it so bad when that's all it lets him do?
We then cut to some Asian girl whose holding the other half of the medallion. Way to build up suspense people, show us the other half right after they tell you there's two parts. You know what, I have no idea how I can make this movie look good. It's so bad it's not even funny. This is one of the most un-entertaining movies I've ever seen, and I'm only about 10 minutes in...this is gonna' be a long one.